How To: Frame his Ex-girlfriend for Tax Evasion

We’ve all been there. It’s getting serious with that guy you met at that Cinco De Mayo party last month. And then - you see it. An IG post from 2014 with some bitch named Allison.

So what do you do? Follow the easy guide below to get yours, girl.

Befriend the Bitch

Find her on Facebook. Figure out where she hangs out. Steal her dog and then manufacture a complicated give it back scenario. It’s a classic. You’ve all seen Lifetime.

Take an Accounting Class online

Meanwhile, get out and learn girl! It’s 2018 bitch, women can do almost anything these days (lol - kidding). But seriously, you can still legally take an accounting class. So get on it, you disgusting slut. Your Art History degree isn’t helping shit right now!

Share a Secret to Earn Her Trust

Give her a little nugget of your secret past. Tell her about your eating disorder in high school or that you once shot a man in the Dominican Republic for attention.

Seduce That Guy from High School who works at tech support At TurboTax

His name’s Jake. Give him Syphilis. After he finishes, reveal the tape you took on which he admits to being a “subby bitch”. Have him block her email address from their site. Detail is key.

Artificially inseminate her with a turkey baster at a sleepover

Be the only friend attuned enough with her to guess that she’s pregnant. You’re now the obvious choice to take her to her abortion. Girl, it’s smooth sailing from here on!

Get her a little drunk on pink wine and offer to do her taxes

If she wavers, make a passive aggressive comment about the fact that she still hasn’t promoted her incompetent assistant. Communicate a fear that she doesn’t support women in business. Wear a Times Up pin.

Lie rampantly on her tax forms

Put a party hat on the forms and rent a Katherine Heigl movie like they’re your best friend. Dip them in anthrax. Shred them. Turn the pile of anthrax shreds into papier-mâché in the shape of your new boyfriend’s dick. Mail it to the tax place, I guess? Idk.

Call your boyfriend

Tell him you’re really into anal now. Buy a multi colored wig and knock him unconscious. Smoke a cigarette and cry a single tear in the mirror.

You’ve done it. I’m so proud of you. Let’s go get martinis and talk shit about our coworkers.

Fin.

Emily Duke