Robert Mueller Confirms Everyone in Spin Class Is Looking at You

Following a subpoena of Jackie Whittier, on bike 37, Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller can now confirm that everyone is, in fact, looking at you during spin class.

Sources close to Mueller state that Mrs. Whittier (yup - she just got married!!) provided extensive details of your performance, including when you finally caught up to the beat out of the saddle, but had obviously removed all resistance. Jackie also provided details about the visible upper back fat in your new Ivy Park sports bra, and compared you to Pumba, of Lion King fame, on three separate occasions over the course of the deposition.

When asked for comment, your mother said, “I never imagined she would have good form, so I guess it’s for the best that I got my hips replaced last month and I couldn’t actually see it live.” Pouring herself a Vodka Soda, she continued, “Did you know a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc has 1200 calories?”.

Mrs. Whittier’s deposition follows initial speculation provided to the instructor by Amanda Franklin. After Jason Fly screamed “That’ll do Pig” while staring dead-eyed at you, Ms. Franklin felt the weight of being the weakest in class, and also the 50 lbs she lost in 2 months, lift off of her. She looked around to see the rest of the pack silently staring at you while listening to a trap remix of O Holy Night.

Mueller also discovered that your husband wants to leave you, but won’t out of feeling of obligation, and that you’re not your best friend’s best friend.

Noting the sudden influx of corroboration for things she thought were exclusively in your head, your therapist mused “Never even my thirty years of treating upper class white women have I been proven so stunningly wrong. I truly thought she was just a chronic narcissist with an oral fixation, but evidently everything she has ever feared is accurate and based in concrete evidence.” She went on to plug her new book, A Lord of the Flies Interpretation of Your Ayurvedic Yoga Class.

Emily DukeComment